When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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