don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
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When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
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all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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