all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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