Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
