I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize