we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
