we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?