I didn't shave. On purpose
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
me + whiskey = a bad person