I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
