okay pat passed out under dana's car
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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