The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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