is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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