my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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