Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
