The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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