omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
