watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
