Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
