Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
