I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
