also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
