JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
