i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I need to align my fucking chakras
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
