Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?