Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
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We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
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I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight