hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
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