do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
