so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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