I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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