New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
