Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
