does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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