stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
