so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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