Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
