I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.