rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
