It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
