I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
