I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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