There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
