i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just google imaged poop.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
