Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?