She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely