All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels