i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.