new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
