So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
