I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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