i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
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You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
