I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
