I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
