i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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