Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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