My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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