nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
