My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
