spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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