I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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