Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
