I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
