Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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