She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
